If you know me at all you know that the way I cope with sadness is crying. Okay maybe not just sadness but any emotion- excitement, happiness, fear, sadness, etc. So I think all my friends and family will be impressed to know that I haven't shed a tear since arriving in Kenya. First, I'll tell you why that's so impressive, and then I'll tell you how I've been dealing with all theses overwhelming emotions.
On my first pediatric rounds there was a 5 year old girl who was being treated with dysentery (I might have already told you about this). Anyway, the treatment wasn't working and she was basically living all day sitting on a bed pan. They tested her for HIV thinking she might be positive and that was why she was resisting medication. However, her test came back negative and her situation deteriorated to the point of hallucinations and constant bloody, loose stool. She had no fever. Dr. Atanga told us about all the next tests he was planning to run and we moved on to the next patient. The next morning we learned at our meeting that the girl had passed away the evening before. Nobody knows why.
Yesterday I went to the dental clinic again. I hadn't seen a single patient cry (aside from the woman I told you of who awoke during surgery) including children since arriving. These are incredibly strong people. However, we had to do an extraction on a man whose 2-7 molar cracked into pieces during. The procedure took over an hour and despite the numbing medications there were tears streaming down this grown man's face. I think that's what is so hard about the dental clinic-you can see their face throughout the entire procedure.
Later in the day I went to another school with Dr. Britt, our current dentist, to do a dental screening. There were so many things that made me sad this day. One was a young girl who walked right up to my line and opened her mouth wide. There was blood everywhere. I did the best I could to check her teeth amid the blood and asked one of the translators to ask what happened. She had just been hit in the mouth and her lip was bleeding-no sign of pain on her face. Ever school I've been to has either a "mistress" who walks around with a whip/club-like thing, or the oldest students have sticks and the students are "kept in line."
The other thing that makes me sad at these clinics, and everywhere for that matter is how we're treated like celebrities because we're "mzungu." There are kids who gather outside our house every day after school to play with us because they have nowhere else to go. When we went downtown one evening a fight broke out and we were pushed into a cab like celebrities trying to flee the paparazzi. The children treat us like we're some kind of god because we're white people, and the only kind of white people that come here are the ones that come to help or give them sweets. I want them to know that we're here because we have a calling in our hearts, not because we enjoy the spotlight. But mostly I want them to know that everyone should treat them kindly and that they don't have to seek us out to find love.
At this point, those of you who know me probably picture me at this desktop computer sobbing uncontrollably over the keyboard, but I'm proud to say I'm still not. I know I show my sadness and emotion on my face because three different doctors have mentioned it to me. At first I was embarrassed because I want to be as professional as possible, but each has assured me that it's a wonderful thing to "feel pain for the patient." They've expressed to me that a doctor without compassion is no doctor at all. I can't say that I haven't wanted to run away bawling several times, but I've learned to cope with it. I take all the emotions that I feel tensing and snowballing in my throat and behind my eyes, and I push them down into my heart. It sounds crazy, but I can literally feel my chest swell and visualize those emotions moving away from where they are so visible in my face.The tension in my chest is a good distraction from what's going on.
I wish I could tell you all about every little thing that happens every day, but this would turn into an insane novel. All of the students except Alex (a pre-med student studying in Greenville, SC) and I are at a safari this weekend so hopefully I'll have more time on the computer to fill you in on all our adventures. Also, I don't proofread these so sorry if they're just grammatically slaughtered!
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