For the first time in my life I’m anti-polygamy.
Yes, I’ve always been a bold supporter of polygamy. My stance had nothing to do with the fact that my father sired 22 children from several women some of whom were once his wives at the same time (by the time I started being aware of anything, they had all become ex-wives except my biological mother).
My stance also had nothing to do with the fact that my Kings in Swaziland have been envied by other men worldwide for always having had up to more than 15 wives at a time.
Enter Negotiated Infidelity
Yes, I’ve always been a bold supporter of polygamy. My stance had nothing to do with the fact that my father sired 22 children from several women some of whom were once his wives at the same time (by the time I started being aware of anything, they had all become ex-wives except my biological mother).
My stance also had nothing to do with the fact that my Kings in Swaziland have been envied by other men worldwide for always having had up to more than 15 wives at a time.
Men Cheat #fact
Anyway to me polygamy has always been the most practical relationship management system considering that history has proven over and over again that men find it hard to have sex (not love) with the same woman over a prolonged period of time.
The French have always had their mistresses for instance. And even with those men who claim moral high ground supported by biblical verses and religious scriptures; married pastors, bishops, Imams and whatever else they call themselves….their kind is to this day found in compromising positions with other people’s wives or single women and girls… even underage boys in some instances.
Anyway to me polygamy has always been the most practical relationship management system considering that history has proven over and over again that men find it hard to have sex (not love) with the same woman over a prolonged period of time.
The French have always had their mistresses for instance. And even with those men who claim moral high ground supported by biblical verses and religious scriptures; married pastors, bishops, Imams and whatever else they call themselves….their kind is to this day found in compromising positions with other people’s wives or single women and girls… even underage boys in some instances.
I’ve always thought that if done correctly i.e. husband informs first wife of his intentions (key word 1) to marry another woman and wife approves (key word 2), polygamy was the only practical solution to addressing men’s lust. I know.
“Very much unlike you to support such an absurd and outdated practice” some people told me. Even this particular ex of mine was shocked when I put this proposal to him in the early days of your relationship.
He honestly thought I was asking him a trick question when I said “Baby what do you think of polygamy ‘cause I honestly think it’s practical and wouldn’t mind it…as long as it happens when I’m 50, menopausal and generally just rubbish at giving you sexual (and other) attention?” .
In the end though he was convinced that my proposal was genuine and sincere even saying how my proposal had given him “another beautiful reason why I WILL marry you”, he said. Yes I said he’s my ex…boyfriend. He cheated on me. With a married woman (so there...women cheat too).
“Very much unlike you to support such an absurd and outdated practice” some people told me. Even this particular ex of mine was shocked when I put this proposal to him in the early days of your relationship.
He honestly thought I was asking him a trick question when I said “Baby what do you think of polygamy ‘cause I honestly think it’s practical and wouldn’t mind it…as long as it happens when I’m 50, menopausal and generally just rubbish at giving you sexual (and other) attention?” .
In the end though he was convinced that my proposal was genuine and sincere even saying how my proposal had given him “another beautiful reason why I WILL marry you”, he said. Yes I said he’s my ex…boyfriend. He cheated on me. With a married woman (so there...women cheat too).
I’ve just always thought that it was better to have “an official cheating” arrangement than to be blatantly cheated on because then you feel betrayed and all the other dodgy dark emotions that have to do with feeling unloved and unappreciated while asking him in between sobs “do you love her? Tell me do you love her?”
Every woman who’s been cheated on knows that the answer to that question is “No, baby it’s just…”
And my male friends have confirmed that most of the time their straying ways are based solely on lust “Otherwise why would I come back home to be with the woman I love, the woman who respects and loves me?” they say.
Every woman who’s been cheated on knows that the answer to that question is “No, baby it’s just…”
And my male friends have confirmed that most of the time their straying ways are based solely on lust “Otherwise why would I come back home to be with the woman I love, the woman who respects and loves me?” they say.
I mean think about it, in a polygamous relationship if he’s not with me I can SAFELY assume that he’s with the other wife or the OTHER, OTHER wife - women I know and can call to find out if he’s really with them.
But knowing me, for my peace of mind, I would just leave it at assuming - never to call and find out for sure. I love peace.
But knowing me, for my peace of mind, I would just leave it at assuming - never to call and find out for sure. I love peace.
Polygamy is normal
My initial pro-polygamy stance was influenced by my reality as a young woman growing up in Swaziland.
It was and still is very much common and ‘normal’ for young educated professional women to date married often ‘rich’ men. “Indvodza licatsa, uyaluma ushiyele lomunye”, (a man is a piece of meat, you take a bite and share with others) my friends would say.
Some of my friends upgraded from dating to eventually marrying these pieces of meat so it really made sense.
Polygamy for me has always been the ish. Only up until I heard for the first time this week on National Geographic's Taboo about “negotiated infidelity”.
It was and still is very much common and ‘normal’ for young educated professional women to date married often ‘rich’ men. “Indvodza licatsa, uyaluma ushiyele lomunye”, (a man is a piece of meat, you take a bite and share with others) my friends would say.
Some of my friends upgraded from dating to eventually marrying these pieces of meat so it really made sense.
Polygamy for me has always been the ish. Only up until I heard for the first time this week on National Geographic's Taboo about “negotiated infidelity”.
Now this ‘negotiated infidelity’ is the future I tell you. I think my many friends who’ve been cheated on and played repeatedly (left only with love and so little trust) will love it too.
For me it addresses the issues raised against polygamy by many feminists, gender equality activists and romantics; “it’s impossible to love more than one person and share yourself equally as a man with all these women. Polygamy makes women’s feelings and emotions inferior to those of the man”.
In hindsight, thanks to this negotiated infidelity thingy…I agree, the feelings of jealousy and feeling inadequate from sharing a man are real, strong and hard to ignore in a polygamous.
For me it addresses the issues raised against polygamy by many feminists, gender equality activists and romantics; “it’s impossible to love more than one person and share yourself equally as a man with all these women. Polygamy makes women’s feelings and emotions inferior to those of the man”.
In hindsight, thanks to this negotiated infidelity thingy…I agree, the feelings of jealousy and feeling inadequate from sharing a man are real, strong and hard to ignore in a polygamous.
Enter Negotiated Infidelity
With negotiated infidelity the couple can even marry but agree to have sex with other people. No, not in the Swinger-type way. No.
Here each spouse is permitted by the other spouse to have sex with anyone, as long it happens within the couple’s home….and wait for it…during the presence of the other spouse.
No doofus, the other spouse doesn’t watch or anything. It’s not Swinging remember? He just chills in the lounge or does the gardening until the two are done.
And in fact he does that after welcoming his wife’s ‘guest’, pours him some wine and ushers them into their bed and vice versa. The same pleasantries are exchanged after ‘the session’ and that’s it. Done. Back to being a happy couple.
The most important rules are 1) no sleep-over 2) no romantic getaways 3) no spooning.
Practical
Here each spouse is permitted by the other spouse to have sex with anyone, as long it happens within the couple’s home….and wait for it…during the presence of the other spouse.
No doofus, the other spouse doesn’t watch or anything. It’s not Swinging remember? He just chills in the lounge or does the gardening until the two are done.
And in fact he does that after welcoming his wife’s ‘guest’, pours him some wine and ushers them into their bed and vice versa. The same pleasantries are exchanged after ‘the session’ and that’s it. Done. Back to being a happy couple.
The most important rules are 1) no sleep-over 2) no romantic getaways 3) no spooning.
Practical
Negotiated Infidelity is Holly Hill’s practical theory to human sexual relations. During her younger years 40-something year old Holly from Australia says she was left in the cold when her married boyfriend convinced her to quit her job and live off his riches only to dump her a year later.
That’s when her journey to coining “negotiated infidelity” started. After the young mistress was dumped, she put up an online advert about how attractive and charming she was and that she would require a generous allowance (US$1,000 a week) from men interested in spending intimate time with her…even cook for them if they wanted that, but strictly no strings attached.
A whooping 11, 000 responses to that advert. She only took five customers from whose experiences she wrote her first self-help book Sugarbabe.
That’s when her journey to coining “negotiated infidelity” started. After the young mistress was dumped, she put up an online advert about how attractive and charming she was and that she would require a generous allowance (US$1,000 a week) from men interested in spending intimate time with her…even cook for them if they wanted that, but strictly no strings attached.
A whooping 11, 000 responses to that advert. She only took five customers from whose experiences she wrote her first self-help book Sugarbabe.
But even in this practical arrangement Holly and her current lover of two years admit there’s always a fear that one of them will have sex so explosive with someone else that they are swept off their feet and probably end up abandoning their perfectly “negotiated infidelity” relationship.
Their only comfort here and I agree, is that that this fear is ever present even in monogamous relationships/marriages.
Their only comfort here and I agree, is that that this fear is ever present even in monogamous relationships/marriages.
Unconventional I know, but very practical Holly, thanks. Plus, unlike polygamy, the "official cheating" works both ways. I’ll opt for negotiated infidelity anyday. Afterall you are also a certified psychologist Holly...so why not take your advice?
No comments:
Post a Comment